I wrote this poem on January 21, 2000.  It has never been online – until now.  The poem is a bad relationship that I’d gotten out of.  I was living alone, for the first time in years, thinking about all the times he told me I was not good with words.

I read “Dependent” on episode 29 of my Words of Jen podcast.

Something’s missing
But I don’t know what –
I just notice its conspicuous absence,
And long for it
And mourn the death of us

Wishing I was good with words
Knowing Im not
Feeling inadequate
As you have always made me feel
In so many ways
About so many things

Stealing away small pieces of my confidence
Slowly day by day
Until there is nothing left
And I didn’t even realize it
Until you pointed it out

You helped me through
My chemical dependency
And replaced it with
Dependency on you.

You twist the way
I see the world
Without even trying
Or meaning to do so
Until I don’t know what is real anymore

And then you ask me why
I question everything I think
And don’t know what to believe

You taught me to trust
But only in you
Then you shatter that trust
With the hurtful things you do
And make me feel like I am the one in the wrong
When I ask about you and her

In so many ways
I have yet to bleed the wounds
From the scars you have left me with
And let the poison out

Neither one of us

Is

Anymore

Either of the people who started this together

But you don’t see that,
And I can’t help you,
Not being good with words.

You don’t understand me
Or why I need to be free
From all the pressure
You put on me
All the time
To be someone who I am not

But who you are convinced that I am
That I am becoming
If I just tried harder
If I just gave it more time
Another chance
One more try
If I just saw things your way

You have fused
The idea of love
And the idea of dependency
So far entwined
In my mind
That I don’t know if I will ever get them untangled

And you tell me
All you want is for me to be me

But I don’t know
Who that person is
Anymore

And it has taken until now
As I sit in this cold apartment
Safe, and far from you
To begin to let this out

To begin to think for myself

And wonder if
I will ever find out
What that something
That is missing
Is

Dependent is a post written by Jen Thorpe on Book of Jen and is not allowed to be copied to other sites.

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